Heavy Gear Humor


Welcome to the Humor Page. We've collected here a bunch of jokes related to our Heavy Gear Universe. Most of them have been proposed by denizens of the Heavy Gear Mailing List; wherever possible, attributions have been made. Check this page once in a while, as we will try to add new stuff every now and then.


Heavy Gear Lightbulb Jokes

Heavy Gear Lightbulb Jokes

With the help of: jbezeau [at] uoguelph.ca (Jonboy), hdan [at] charybdis.com (hDan), andyl [at] direct.ca (Andrew Lucas), jprins [at] interhop.net (John Prins), prodigy [at] total.net

Q: How many mercantilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, and he has to spend 1000 marks to vote himself in for the job.

Q: How many mercantilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just Yves Banderas... he just holds the thing and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many Southern Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they will fight to the death over the honor of who gets to do it.

Q: How many Southern Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Death squads will carry away the last guy who obviously screwed in a defective lightbulb.

Q: How many Norlights does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, for the divine light of the Prophet shall illuminate the just.

Q: How many Dominionites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to remove the burnt out bulb, one to sell it to the Norlights as Southern abstract art and one to audit the transaction.

Q: How many Dominionites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he has to get a permit from the Bureau of Electricity, make sure that the local crime boss wouldn't mind his changing the bulb, and bribe the Policia not to arrest him for stealing the old bulb.

Q: How many Westerners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he must be from the Phillips clan, who have a history of successfully changing lightbulbs for over 300 cycles.

Q: How many Humanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One Preceptor to notice that it's dark, one protector to make sure it's safe to change the bulb, and one commoner to actually screw in the bulb.

Q: How many Low Class Easterners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty, working a whole cycle and pooling their income to afford the light bulb.

Q: How may Middle Class Easterners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten. Eight to fawn over the local Emir, one to apologize abjectly to the Emir for allowing the old bulb to die ( oops, make that nine people), and one to actually screw in the bulb.

Q: How many Upper Class Easterners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If an Emir wants light, he just has the nearest servant immolated.

Q: How many Sand Riders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? Those damned Sand Riders stole ANOTHER light bulb! Damn them!!!

Q: How many Ashantites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It all depends on how big the lightbulb is...

Q: How many Mordred GRELs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but lots of spare bulbs "Oops."

Q: How many Morgana GRELs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They leave the room in darkness for an ambush and use the broken-off bulb as a weapon.

Q: How many Isaac GRELs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes quite a while as he jury-rigs a self-changing bulb system to prevent future burn-out.

Q: How many Jan GRELs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. A Jan conquers a Badlands town and forces the inhabitants to change the bulb before he kills them all as "sub-humans."

You might be a Badlander if...

You might be a Badlander...

Submitted by klegman.spamdecoy.1 [at] osu.edu (David Klegman)

  • ...If you have a pet GREL;
  • ...If you have a legless Gear standing on blocks in your yard;
  • ...If you think Weird But Tasty only describes the green and purple animal you just caught;
  • ...You prefer your Cawfee to be mixed with V-engine fuel;
  • ...You refer to WFP residents as wimps (and you pummel the whole clan that then chases you across town);
  • ...You regularly get in fistfights with Gears;
  • ...Your house was used as a rearming/refueling depot at least once in the War of the Alliance;
  • ...You could take a leak in Peace River and outshoot the guards who come running;
  • ...Your mail is delivered by a stranded Earth soldier;
  • ...You think Humanists make great footrests;
  • ...Weird But Tasty Living Lunches just don't fill you up. You are used to eating things with a Build of +7 in one sitting;
  • ...Your other car is a Bricklayer;
  • ...You call for your dawg Rover and then hear ten people reply 'Yesssss?'

The Ultimate Heavy Gear Munchkin List

Contributors (in no particular order; some of the email addresses may not be valid anymore): Gene Marcil (marcil.gene [at] ic.gc.ca), Hajj nasri andreas (n-hajj [at] coewl.cen.uiuc.edu), Jonboy! (jbezeau [at] uoguelph.ca), Larkid Deerhorn (larkid [at] ix.netcom.com), Marc A. Vezina (mavezina [at] dp9.com), Michael O'Shea (mpost3+ [at] pitt.edu), Alex Fauth (rickr [at] one.net.au), Bryan Rombough (romb0001 [at] algonquinc.on.ca) and Jonathan Miller (j.miller [at] roadrunner.nf.net).

1) Favorite Gear

Real Men pilot Hunters; 
Roleplayers pilot Iguanas; 
Loonies pilot Ferrets (without the guns); 
Munchkins pilot customized strider-sized Gears with +3 Maneuver.

Real Men pilot Strike Jaguars with Reinforced Front Armor; 
Roleplayers pilot Bobcats with Light Rifles and Smoke Grenades; 
Loonies pilot Jihad Stone Masons (a custom variant with 12 linked SDGs welded to the Gear, all on a 4-second timer); 
Munchkins pilot Snakeyes with Sat Uplinks (for calling down strikes from the orbital artillery satellite that remains in geosynchronous orbit above their Gear at all times).

Real Men pilot Jaguars; 
Roleplayers pilot Cheetahs; 
Loonies pilot centuries-old rebuilt Anolis with lots of "personality quirks" and a really good sound system; 
Munchkins pilot customized sentient King Cobras with satellite uplinks, snipered Heavy Pulse Laser Cannons and Stealth at 6+.

2) Favorite Vehicle Weapon

Real Men use autocannons; 
Roleplayers use mortars; 
Loonies use dummy cannons with "Bang" flags; 
Munchkins use lasers w/sniper targeter and +3 Fire Control.

3) Favorite Ground Vehicle

Real Men drive tanks; 
Roleplayers drive IFVs; 
Loonies drive millennia-old rebuilt Elan jeeps; 
Munchkins drive refurbished and customized Earth heavy hovertanks.

4) Favorite Sidearm

Real Men use heavy pistols; 
Roleplayers use vibroknives; 
Loonies use squirt guns; 
Munchkins use anti-Gear rifles with underslung sniper laser.

5) Favorite League

Real Men play West Frontier Protectorates; 
Roleplayers play Humanist Alliance; 
Loonies play sun-baked Rovers; 
Munchkins form their own Badlands empire.

6) Favorite Pet

Real Men don't have "pets;" 
Roleplayers have a pet springer (or grassrunner); 
Loonies have a combat chihuahua; 
Munchkins have a Genetically Recombined Attack Barnaby (GRAB).

7) Favorite Archetype

Real Men take the Test Pilot; 
Roleplayers take Medics, Pilots and Reporters; 
Loonies take Politicians for an all-combat game; 
Munchkins are waiting until they publish stats on a GREL Gear pilot.

8) Favorite Character Type

Real Men play NLAF or SRA tank and assault strider pilots; 
Roleplayers play Massadan teaching priests or MILICIA APC crewmen; 
Loonies play sentient webbled springers named Stacy who do freelance wetwork for Paxton; 
Munchkins play Jan-class GREL Legion Noire assassins with cyberspines who are members of the Curia.

Real Men play elite commandos who manage to take out entire airbases with a satchel of frag grenades and a few surplus tires; 
Roleplayers play rogue CEF soldiers on the run from angry Terranovans; 
Loonies play Balthazar Caro (see Life on TN, page 106 for details); 
Munchkins play The Spider (or Mother Superior) of Khayr Ad-Din.

Real Men play Northern Guard Gear pilots; 
Roleplayers play average Southern Republicans who are members of Les Temoins, but have come to question the morality and righteousness of their cause; 
Loonies play Bethanites who enter the Marabou Iron Man competition; 
Munchkins play GREL Hovertank pilots.

9) Favorite Combat Skill

Real Men use Leadership; 
Roleplayers use Electronic Warfare; 
Loonies use Visual Arts; 
Munchkins use level 5 Gunnery and Piloting with +5 attributes.

10) Favorite Non-combat Skill

Real Men use Intimidation; 
Roleplayers use Streetwise; 
Loonies use Demolition (at level 1 with a low KNO attribute); 
Munchkins don't understand the question.

11) Favorite Terranovan Food

Real Men eat beef steak; 
Roleplayers eat roast hopper; 
Loonies eat only at Weird But Tasty(tm); 
Munchkins eat anything that gives stat bonuses.

Real Men fancy prime aged Sorrento beef steak with Innsbruck Ale; 
Roleplayers prefer sauteed emerva fish with Skadi hot sauce and elohar wine; 
Loonies love smart glue jerky with a tall cool pitcher of Gear pressure juice (they use Mort Subite for Gear fuel); 
Munchkins like stat-enhancing intravenous hormone injections.

Real Men fancy raw hopper meat and Wounder Rotgut; 
Roleplayers prefer whatever they can scavenge while trapped in the MacAllen network; 
Loonies love a nice slab of "Weird but Tasty" processed fruit substitute and a tall glass of Type 4-Bi servo fluid; 
Munchkins like to chew on the bones of the millions they claim to have slain barehanded.

12) Favorite Terranovan Drink

Real Men drink Fort James Special blend whiskey; 
Roleplayers drink Feu-de-Nuit liqueur from crystal decanters; 
Loonies drink Wounded Knee Rotgut; 
Munchkins drink whatever is cheapest (gotta save up for the new Anti-Gear rifle).

13) Famous Last Words

Real Men: nothing -- they died fightin'; 
Roleplayers: a ten minutes dying speech about the flawed value of patriotism, the evil of war and the greed of men, followed by eulogies from PCs and NPCs until the pizza arrives; 
Loonies: "Can I roll against my Survival skill? Maybe I made it..."; 
Munchkins: "I can't be dead, it was only a landship and I was in my Ultra Mamba! YOU CHEATED!"

Real Men: <cough> "Ya never see that last one coming..."; 
Roleplayers will whisper out their dreams and aspirations for the future and lament on how they have been sadly crushed by the futility of the war, and beg for their fellows to go on without them but never forget... until everyone else gets sick of it and throws dice at them; 
Loonies: "I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better!"; 
Munchkins would have cheated so they didn't die anyway.

14) Favorite Personal Armor

Real Men wear turtleshell; 
Roleplayers wear light flak jacket; 
Loonies wear armored Ashantite chainmail bikini; 
Munchkins wear a Gear.

15) Favorite Macromove

Real Men: CRUSH! (Grabbing Mauler Fist to Self-Damaging Punch/Headbutt, Called Location Sensors, Stationary Finish, threshold 5); 
Roleplayers: Jackrabbit Run (Defensive Fast Accelerated Dodge, threshold 6); 
Loonies: C'mon, Ralph (Riding Springer Jump Assault, test Animal Handling vs. threshold 5); 
Munchkins: The Masticator (Unbalancing Simple HRG, Called Location Crew, Stunned and Stationary Finish, threshold 3).

16) Favorite Affiliation

Real Men: Elite Northern Guard assault Gear team; 
Roleplayers: Badlands Liberation Front infiltrator; 
Loonies: Weird But Tasty night shift grill manager; 
Munchkins: Riot-suppression stealth hopper wing.

Real Men: 53rd Artillery Unit - Forward Observers; 
Roleplayers: Portsmith Oasis Tower Security Team - Vandalism Prevention Unit; 
Loonies: "One Foot Forward" Bank Monitor Locators; 
Munchkins: Vortex-class Landship Captains of the South.

17) Favorite Terranovan Personality

Real Men admire Victoria Edden-Smythe (one of their own); 
Roleplayers admire Preceptor Gavin Hypolite; 
Loonies admire Ali the Village Idiot [O:JD] and Patriarch Oliver Masao (again, one of their own); 
Munchkins admire Snakeyes.

Real Men admire no one except themselves; 
Roleplayers admire Brandee Saveur for her admirable work at running a bar and never shooting a gun; 
Loonies admire CEF collaborators; 
Munchkins admire Vortex-class Landship Captains.

Real Men admire Maena Jarak (and besides... she looks cute in those tank-tops ^_^''); 
Roleplayers admire Kenichi Tanaka; 
Loonies admire Balthazar Caro (and believe everything he says); 
Munchkins admire no one and expect themselves to be worshipped.

18) Typical Unit Name

Real Men: 214th Armored Co., "The Snake Slashers"; 
Roleplayers: 158th Artillery Co., "Nathani's Magnanimous Acolytes of Virtue"; 
Loonies: 4th Landship Recon Flotilla, "Weird But Tasty"; 
Munchkins: 33rd Special Forces Airborne Commando Armored Division (Mass Destruction Weapons Co.), "Ass for Breakfast".

Real Men: Airborne 114th, "The Crimson Tempests"; 
Roleplayers: 23rd Mobile Repair and Resupply Unit, "The Gear Docs"; 
Loonies:16th Floater Heavy Weapons Brigade, "Pop! Ssssssss...."; 
Munchkins: 52nd Tacnuke Squadron, "Obliterators".

19) Favorite In-character Pastime

Real Men go to Marabou and compete in the Iron Man competition; 
Roleplayers go to Khayr-Ad-Din and become underground duelists, entering into a twisted spiral of drugs and despair, betraying everyone they know, everyone they care about, yes, a dark life, punctuated only by the transient blood and flash of the arena, as they struggle vainly to forget THAT SIGHT, that horrible unforgettable sight from Long Ago which, etc.; 
Loonies go to Atsi and have themselves body-sculpted to resemble varises; 
Munchkins have themselves body-sculpted to resemble Snakeyes ("Now I have Level 5 Stealth even when I'm out of my Gear!").

Real Men go to Innsbruck and enter their Groundhog Work Gear in Death Track 1000... and win; 
Roleplayers go to Massada on a covert mission to assassinate the First Follower which will let their unknown employer fill the power vacuum and spread the word of Love to the Southern infidels. However, another faction wants the same goal, and will stop at nothing to thwart the PC's mission so they can take power instead...; 
Loonies go to Ashanti to film their new trideo documentary "Roger and Me: The Naked Years"; 
Munchkins have themselves body-sculpted to resemble normal people to hide the fact that they are Mordred-class GRELs with internal cyberweapons.

20) Favorite Battlefield Weapon

Real Men use Heavy Bazookas and Snub Cannons; 
Roleplayers use Flamethrowers and Pack Guns; 
Loonies use Mining Equipment (Nasri suggests paint guns); 
Munchkins use snipered HLCs and customized indirect-fire railguns (and pine nightly for the orbital artillery rules).

Real Men use Vibroaxes and Chainsaws; 
Roleplayers use Elan-mounted LMGs; 
Loonies use bent Railgun barrels to bash their opponent's Gear's V-engine cylinders while screaming "DAMN... MOLES... KEEP...POPPING...UP!!!"; 
Munchkins use Very Heavy Snub Cannons (of their own design) with a Damage Multiplier of x125 and Heavy Railgun ranges. "It's legal! Look, I calculated the TV..."

21) Favorite Arena Weapon

Real Men use Vibroaxes and Shields; 
Roleplayers use Haywire Whips and Vibrorapiers; 
Loonies use off-map VHAG fire [in a covered arena, no doubt]; 
Munchkins use twin Snipered HIRP/48s with Lvl 5 Gunnery Specialization.

Real Men use Chassis Reinforcements on the shoulders, elbows and knees; 
Roleplayers use Morning Stars and Piston Punches; 
Loonies use a matching set of Gear-sized bunny slippers with concealed "Squeeky" toy; 
Munchkins use a continuous supply of fist-mounted Heavy Panzerfausts.

22) Most-Anticipated HG Product

Real Men look forward to the new SR Army List; 
Roleplayers avidly await the ESE Sourcebook; 
Loonies are jonesing for the Complete Anolis Techbook (2 volumes); 
Munchkins are torn between the Complete Landships book and the Caprice Army List (TN1950).

Real Men look forward to the Port Arthur Army List; 
Roleplayers avidly await the "Trouble Amidst the Ivory Dunes, A Sand Rider Campaign Setting"; 
Loonies are drooling over the Timmins Mail-Order Catalogue so they can finally get Item #g-24f, a self-inflating doggie substitute; 
Munchkins are torn between the Tactical Field Support: Orbital Ion Cannons and Northern Vehicles 3, featuring GDI's Mammoth Tank.

23) Favourite Vehicle Perk

Real Men don't take any -- Real Men don't need Perks; 
Roleplayers take any which has no effect in the tactical game; 
Loonies take Catapult Hook on a Gear (mental image of an open-cockpit Flying Ferret on the deck of a LandCarrier giving a 'thumbs up'); 
Munchkins take Advanced Controls.

24) Favourite Vehicle Flaw

Real Men take Large Sensor Profile ("Hiding is for wimps!" -J. Prins, HG Tech FAQ); 
Roleplayers take a Curse; 
Loonies take Random Shutdown, Rating 3 ("I've got you now...Fzzt!"); 
Munchkins chose Poor Towing Capacity.

25) Favourite Character Perk

Real Men have Light Sleeper -- they sleep with one eye open; 
Roleplayers have Connections; 
Loonies have Animal Companion -- Hopper; 
Munchkins have Property -- Typhon-Class Heavy Cruiser Landship.

26) Favourite Character Flaw

Real Men take Code of Honour; 
Roleplayers have a Nemesis; 
Loonies have Flashbacks ("Johnny? Johnny?...Johnneeee!"); 
Munchkins take Bloodlust ("But my character's supposed to kill everyone!").

27) Most Desired Gear NNet Habit

Real Men take +1 Maneuver and/or Fire Control; 
Roleplayers take +1 Sensors and/or Communications; 
Loonies make it beep the horn in the middle of the night to annoy neighbours; 
Munchkins get "automatically lock on and destroy any hostile unit in range."